Hey friend, welcome back to the podcast! Today, we’re diving into the number one thing that holds us women back from getting what we truly want. It’s so simple that it’s easy to dismiss it, but hear me out because simple doesn’t mean easy. And I’m telling you, this is standing in the way of SO many women getting what they want and deserve.

Knowing What You Don’t Want vs. What You Do Want

Almost every time I work with a woman wanting to create something new in her life—whether it’s a lover, a business, more money, or just more freaking time and space for herself—we hit the same wall. They know exactly what they don’t want VERY clearly (because often it’s their lived experience), but when it comes to describing what they DO want, the picture is not so clear. Even when they THINK they’re describing what they DO want, they’re describing it in terms of what they DON’T want.

Real-Life Example: Manifesting Love

Last week, I had a great example of this. I was in Nashville with my business coach at a big event with a bunch of badass women entrepreneurs. I was talking to this very beautiful and successful woman who was super excited about taking my manifesting course. So I said, “Great, I can’t wait for you to take it. What is it that you want to create in your life?” She very quickly said LOVE—she wanted to manifest a partner.

So I said to her, “Ooh, tell me more about this! Give me more details about it.”

Instead of giving me all the juicy details about what she wanted in a lover, she immediately launched into telling me how dating sucks these days, how all the good guys are taken, and on and on.

I was like, “Whoa, wait a second. I asked you to give me the juicy details about what you want to create in this partnership, not to describe what’s not working.”

The good news is that she caught herself right away—she saw what she was doing. But often, we don’t catch ourselves when we’re focusing on the negative. This is SO COMMON and really the number one thing I see that’s the cog in the wheel of women getting what they want.

Another Example: Financial Abundance

Another woman I spoke with last week wanted to create financial abundance. But when she told me more, she described how she was tired of struggling. She could describe in detail her debt, but not what financial freedom would feel like.

Friend, let’s get something straight. When I ask about creating wealth, and you lead with your debt and struggles, or when I ask about creating love and you tell me about all the assholes on dating apps, you’re missing the point.

Think Like a 3D Printer

Think of yourself as someone programming one of those cool 3D printers. Whatever you program in is what you’re gonna get out. Your vision of what you DO want needs to be that clear and detailed. If you program a 3D printer with all the shit you DON’T want, that’s exactly what it’s gonna spit out to you. It doesn’t judge what you want to create; it just follows the pattern you’ve input. Manifesting follows this same idea.

Why Details Matter

I want you to think about something you say you want. Can you get nitty-gritty with details? And not just any details—SENSORY details? Down to what it feels like in your body, what the air will smell like when you’ve achieved what you want. This is what’s required to create with ease vs. tenacity.

The Science Behind It

Some women will ask me, “Why is it important to get THAT detailed and describe it down to the smell and taste?” I’m equal parts woo woo, neuroscience, and strategy. Here’s the thing—our brains can’t tell the difference between what we imagine and what’s actually happening when we deeply engage all our senses.

Back when I was a dancer, I’d use this technique when training for a performance. I’d imagine every part of the performance, right down to the sweat dripping down my face and the way my breath sounded, and the texture of the floor beneath my feet. When I did this, my brain didn’t know the difference between practice and when I was actually on stage performing. Olympic athletes use this technique all the time to train.

If we focus on what we don’t want, guess what? That’s what our brain zeroes in on. It’s like having a GPS set to avoid destinations rather than find them. Your GPS doesn’t give a fuck—it just follows the input that we give it. Our brain is just like that GPS.

Setting Clear Filters

Let’s get those filters set really clearly on what we do want. Imagine you’re a sculptor, like Michelangelo. You need a clear vision of what you’re creating. If you keep changing your mind mid-chisel, you’re just gonna end up with a big old mess.

Get Specific

Same goes for your dreams. Get clear. Super clear. Down to the juicy details.

• Want abundance? What does that look like? How will you know when you have it?
• Chances are you might already have abundance of things you DON’T want like bills or debt. So get specific about the kind of abundance you’re aiming for.

Final Thoughts

Alright friend, that’s your dose of tough love for today. Get crystal fucking clear on what you want. This is the first step to getting what you truly desire. Trust me, friend, most women struggle with this, but I know you’ve got this.