Real vs. Fake Pleasure: How to Truly Feel Alive

Hi Friend, welcome back! Today, I want to dive into one of my favorite topics: pleasure. We’re going to chat about the difference between real and fake pleasure, how to know the difference, and why you should even care.

I personally think pleasure is one of the most important experiences we can have as humans. To experience pleasure, we have to be IN our bodies—it’s a complete and personalized sensory experience. In today’s world, we’re so overstimulated and busy that one of the biggest problems I see with my clients is that they’re not taking time to actually be IN their bodies, to feel or sense what’s going on around them. They’re not FEELING the experience of being fully alive. And that’s what pleasure really is.

Here’s the thing—it’s so common that even when we’re doing things that can evoke a sense of pleasure, like going on a walk in nature or basking in the sun, there’s often some electronic media providing input that’s distracting us and keeping us from tuning into our bodies. I know I’m guilty of this because I love going for walks in the sun, but I also have a bad habit of sticking in my AirPods and distracting myself with a true crime podcast. Instead of experiencing nature, my body, the spring air, and the sunlight, I’m drawn into a story of murder and drama, completely distracted from what’s going on around me.

We’re constantly bombarded with images, advertisements, and ideas of what will bring us pleasure and happiness. They say if you buy this or do that, then you’ll be happy. But happiness isn’t about “stuff.” It’s about feeling alive and in tune with the world around us. It’s a sensory feeling of pleasure.

One of my first teachers when I was studying energy work 30 years ago was Alexander Lowen. He taught that pleasure is an experience that arises from being in harmony with our true self and allowing life force or energy to move through our bodies. He also taught that most psychological issues—stress, anxiety, depression—things that are so prevalent today, come from not allowing this life force or pleasure to move freely through our bodies.

Basically, in order to be fully alive, we need to experience pleasure.

Let’s get into some real-life examples of real vs. fake pleasure so you can understand how to spot the difference. Of course, I’ll use myself as an example because—well, why not.

Example 1: The Wine Experience

We have some good friends who are huge wine connoisseurs. He collects vintage wines from all over the world, and every time we go to their home, he pulls out a very special bottle of wine for us to share. Every time, it’s such a pleasurable full-body sensory experience. From the time he shows us the bottle, to uncorking it, to the first smell, and the way it swirls around my tongue—it’s pure pleasure.

Now, on the other hand, we can take the same action—drinking wine. There are many nights when I’ve been exhausted from work, wanting to just relax and unwind. I’ll crack a bottle of cheap $10 wine from Costco, and before I know it, I’ve polished off the entire bottle, and I just feel kind of blah. So even though the action is the same experience—drinking wine—the results are completely different. The first experience fills me with pleasure, leaves me feeling inspired, relaxed, and alive. The other leaves me feeling completely drained, more depleted, and just crappy and guilty.

Example 2: The Food Experience

The same thing can happen with food. We can have an experience of sitting down, tasting the most delicious food, savoring every bite, and letting it nurture and fill us. Or we can have an experience of eating food while we’re in a hurry, driving down the road in our car, and listening to the radio—completely distracted.

Again, the stimulus is the same, but one experience fills us with sensory pleasure, while the other is just completely disconnected.

We can overlay this onto just about any experience. The key is that in order to experience pleasure, we have to be PRESENT. We have to be in our bodies. The more we have these truly pleasurable sensory experiences, the more alive we feel, the more we can experience this vitality, this life force moving through our bodies. On the other hand, the more fake pleasure we indulge in, the more we’re left feeling drained, depleted, and often even guilty.

So how do you experience more pleasure in your life? I think it starts with becoming aware of what really lights us up—and it’s so personal. What brings one person pleasure might sound like hell to someone else. For instance, I have a client who LOVES going on these long 10-mile runs. It just feeds her soul, but that sounds horrible to me. The only way you can get me to run is if someone is chasing me.

It’s important to hone in on our specific pleasure experiences. When I work with clients, we do an exercise where we create a list of what feeds us and what depletes us.

For instance, on my list, the things that feed me are: rollerskating and feeling the wind through my hair, soaking in a hot bath by candlelight, swimming, petting my dog, doing yoga, and walking in nature (without my AirPods). Some of the things that deplete me are: staying up late streaming mindless TV shows, getting sucked into a murder case, scrolling social media, mindless eating and drinking, and buying shit I don’t need on Amazon.

Once we have clarity on what truly makes us feel alive and brings us full-body pleasure, we can start to incorporate more of those events and activities into our lives and really start to embody this experience of pleasure and being fully alive.

And friend, you’ve heard me say it before—we only have one life to live. We don’t have time to waste on bullshit that leaves us feeling drained and depleted.

Alright, I hope you have some fun this week, I hope you experience some pleasure, and really feel what it’s like to be fully alive.

Till next week, be well, friend.